Hot Carl's Steamy Pile

This Lady Is On To Something

2008-08-04T14:46:00.001-07:00

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE!!!?????!!

I want some fucking answers Government!!

This Crappy Blog Is Back

2008-08-04T14:34:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time off but after a lot of personal reflection, I've decided to revive the blog. There is just too much good stuff out there that I have not voiced my strong hatred for. Expect updates about 5-7 times a week followed by months of nothing. Also, expect more wizards, preying mantiseses, and American propaganda.

Something Special from the Lord

2007-07-01T18:10:00.000-07:00

This video has everything: condoned child abuse, Jesus Christ, Vietnamese, Pirates, hidden gold, and a jump-roping finale.

ATTENTION NBA!!

2007-06-18T20:31:00.000-07:00

Bow before Brandon Roy because he is your savior.

Greg Oden will only draw more attention to the golden greatness that is #7.

Women will weep at his feet.

Men will question their sexuality.

The world will never be the same.

Some More Videos

2007-04-17T14:12:00.000-07:00

Brandon Roy

2007-04-04T10:35:00.000-07:00

''I love Brandon Roy,'' the Denver Nuggets' Carmelo Anthony said. ''I love his game. He's so smooth and carefree. It seems like he never turns the ball over. He sure doesn't seem like a rookie in this league. He's going to be The One in Portland.''

Brandon Roy interview on TrueHoop.

A New, Better Blog

2007-03-09T15:09:00.000-08:00

Not mine though, someone else's. It is better mainly because it is not written by me but by a dyslexic Native American and some kind of drug-addled Centaur.

A Long Bad Trip: http://www.usaroadtrippin.blogspot.com/

I highly recommend making this site part of your daily routine.

Nickelback: The Godfathers of Lighter-Waving Power Ballads

2007-02-22T01:11:00.000-08:00

Has there been a shittier band in the history of music? Nickelback makes the Insane Clown Posse look like Irving Berlin. I think they are the robot spawn of Clear Channel's scientists. (They probably have scientists right?) They pump out the same shitty album every year and all the radio stations play the shitty singles over and over. Unfortunately, I'm sure that all of us now know the words to a Nickelback song. If Clear Channel has the ability to brainwash us with Nickelback lyrics, who knows how far they could go? I am preparing my foil helmet now.

Here is an article from The Seattle Times which was definitely written by either Nickelback's publicist or some Clear Channel PR guy. This guy's past job must have been writing propaganda for the Aryan Nation. Although, I think I would rather have a White Power rally in my neighborhood than a Nickelback concert. I honestly haven't read a bigger piece of nonjournalism horse turd since the last time I picked up The Daily. (Thank you, if you enjoy yuks like these I'll be at Giggles on Wednesday.) The author attempts to take the reader into some kind of fantasy land where people go ape-shit over Nickelback and would rather see them than a band made up of piles of old towels with sunglasses on and guitars laying on top of them. Somehow the author thought that people wouldn't see through this steaming pile of worm-filled dogshit.

Concert Review
Nickelback gives fans a home town feel

By Jeff Gilbert
Special to The Seattle Times

For singer/guitarist Chad Kroeger it wasn't so much the kick-off show on the last leg of Nickelback's "All The Right Reasons" tour as it was a gig in his own backyard.

Hailing from "just up the street" in Vancouver, B.C., Chad and the boys played as though it was in front of a hometown crowd. And for the deafening fans that filled the Tacoma Dome to near capacity Tuesday, it was.

Announcing the band's arrival with fireworks befitting Fourth of July-var's, Nickelback roared out of the gate with the full-throttle "Animals," barely stopping to refuel with the -- dare it be said -- grunge-sounding "Woke Up This Morning," from the 2003 multiplatinum CD, "Silver Side Up."

The rest of the 16-song set hit the sweet spot between muscular anthems ("Flat On The Floor," "Figured You Out") and lighter-waving power ballads ("How You Remind Me," "Someday"), a genre Nickelback all but redefined.

Having sold more than 25 million albums since shotgunning up the charts with the 2003 hit "How You Remind Me," and staying there with 2005's six-times platinum "All The Right Reasons," Nickelback delivered a show that sounded like a greatest-hits package -- because all their songs are hits.

Dressed in his mainstay rock attire of black T-shirt, jeans and boots -- which emphasized the everyman aspect of his songs -- Kroeger easily connected with the crowd. A self-proclaimed redneck, he told off-color jokes and instructed the road crew to get beer (Corona, though one would have presumed Moosehead, the Canadian brand) for everyone in the audience.

Drummer Daniel Adair's mid-set drum solo sounded like the shelling range at Fort Lewis, while guitarist Ryan Peake's turn in the spotlight with a cover of "Saturday Night's Alright (For Fighting)" was worthy of Metallica.

Thankfully, Mike Kroeger's robust bass didn't fall prey to the Tacoma Dome's notorious booming echo, as it did for the opening bands.

Encoring with the show-stopping "Rockstar," Nickelback's cheeky ode to fame-craving, the band proved with its big-chorus rock that it has truly earned, like the song says, a "bathroom they can play baseball in."

Nu-metal emo boys Three Days Grace and Breaking Benjamin, while enthusiastically received, were victims of opening-band syndrome: feedbacking mics, bass in the key of mud and three Duracells worth of lighting.

(deep breath)

Ok, back to reality. Wow. This Jeff Gilbert guy is a really good spin doctor and I actually bet he's reviewed a Spin Doctors concert in a similar fashion. But it's fair to say that he took some liberties with the story. Here are some examples.

“for the deafening fans that filled the Tacoma Dome to near capacity Tuesday, it was.”

I'm sure that the Tacoma Dome was "near" capacity, just like when I threw a rock into the Grand Canyon, it was "nearly" filled to capacity with rocks. I think more people would show up to a Nickelback show if they just disguised it as a place to get free peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Also, I think the word "deafening" means something different in this context; such as, "Man, I went down to the Tacoma Dome to get a free peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but then Nickelback came out and started playing so I had to start deafening myself by stabbing my eardrums with my car keys."

“Announcing the band's arrival with fireworks befitting Fourth of July-var's, Nickelback roared out of the gate with the full-throttle "Animals," barely stopping to refuel with the -- dare it be said -- grunge-sounding "Woke Up This Morning," from the 2003 multiplatinum CD, "Silver Side Up."

Nice Fourth of July-vars name drop by Jeff there. It's like he's saying, "Hey, I'm one of you local hip Seattleans. Wanna go hang-out at that place in Singles and drink a starbuck?" And dare it be said, grunge sounding -- ooh Mr. Gilbert, you're making me blush with such a suggestion. I can imagine Jeff sitting around with his grunge rocker friends trying to convince them, "If you like Pearl Jam, then you are going to absolutely love Nickelback dude." That's like telling someone, "If you like Nat King Cole, then you will love Yung Joc."

“lighter-waving power ballads ("How You Remind Me," "Someday"), a genre Nickelback all but redefined.”

Creed is sitting at home thinking “Damn, I thought we redefined the lighter-waving power ballad. Well, looks like it’s back to the drawing board”

“Nickelback delivered a show that sounded like a greatest-hits package -- because all their songs are hits.”

This sentence alone should win Jeff Gilbert the Pulitzer Prize easily.

“Kroeger easily connected with the crowd. A self-proclaimed redneck, he told off-color jokes and instructed the road crew to get beer (Corona, though one would have presumed Moosehead, the Canadian brand) for everyone in the audience.”

Holy Fuck. If Chad Kroeger offered me a beer I think I would take it and drink the entire bottle slowly while intensely staring into his eyes. When I drank the final drop I would suddenly sodomize him with the empty bottle and break it off inside his anus. Then I would take the blood and feces smeared shards and slash his face repeatedly until his face looked like piece of paper that someone played a bunch of games of tic-tac-toe on. But that's just me.

The rest of article allows Jeff to suck the dick of all the other members of the band. Yes, the other members of Nickelback share a communal dick, that's why they are the other members of Nickelback. I do like the line "Encoring with the show-stopping." – do you often redundantly make redundant comments about redundancy much?

Here is what the concert probably ended up really looking like:

Here is a website which shows how Nickelback can't even create their own original shitty songs and have to copy themselves. http://www.thewebshite.net/nickelback.htm. Somehow, Nickelback has managed to one-up Pink Floyd in the synchronicity game. Pink Floyd songs only go with movies, but Nickelback has somehow figured out how to make their songs synch-up with other Nickelback songs!

Here is a link to an NPR broadcast where they discuss this phenomenon:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4258547

So yeah, Nickelback sucks, but there's one final question you should ask:

Is Chad Kroeger a Saluki?

Yes.

Oh no you didn't

2007-02-19T18:09:00.000-08:00

Here is an example of a video that maximizes entertainment with its simplicity. I feel like I am watching some kind of reenactment of Animal Farm but without the annoying allegories. Put simply, roosters just want rabbits to get along.

Wintertime Magic

2007-01-30T21:53:00.000-08:00

I went snowmobiling this past weekend in Cle Elum, courtesy of Cojo. There are a bunch of old mines there and a bunch of these giant piles of fill that make great sledding hills. Here are a couple videos from that trip.

First up is Spencer and Parker sledding down this really steep hill. Spencer tumbles out of control at the bottom and ends up in a creek.

The next day we found this old windsurfing board in an abandoned shed. It made a pretty sweet toboggan and was way faster than any of the sleds we had. This video has some pretty sweet air in it. Colwell also thought he was going to have to get airlifted out of there because he hurt so bad. Next time you go up into the snow, make sure to get yourself a windsurfing board. You will not regret it. Snowmobiles are also pretty cool.

Penguins + Japan = Some fucked up shit

2007-01-18T20:24:00.000-08:00

I remember seeing this clip on TV a few years back and being absolutely convinced that this was actually a midget in a penguin suit. Now that I've had another chance to go back and watch the video a couple times I stand behind my original theory. Seriously, why do you do these things Japan? (Do you know that everyone thinks you're crazy?)

2007-01-11T10:57:00.000-08:00

I found these two clips today and had to post them up. They are from the Entertainer's Basketball Classic tournament at Rucker Park in New York last summer. The Seattle team is a pretty awesome squad, centered around Jamal Crawford and Nate Robinson. The team also includes Brandon Roy, Jamal Williams, and Spencer Hawes.

The first clip is of the quarter and semi final games which Seattle ends up winning.

The next clip is Seattle vs. New York in the finals. Be sure to check out B-Roy's nasty dunk at the 1:08 mark. Crawford goes off at the end of the game, but it isn't enough to beat the NY team which includes Skip To My Lou Rafer Alston.

God Bless America

2007-01-10T19:34:00.000-08:00

I love these little guys.

The Bloody Hop??

2007-01-02T20:28:00.000-08:00

I don't know what to call this dance. Whatever the Blood version of the Crip Walk is. This video just puts a smile on my face.

Why Internet, WHY!?!? pt. II

2006-12-12T21:45:00.000-08:00

I don't really understand this website or why it was created. It simultaneously confuses and angers me, but I cannot let it continue to go unnoticed. So, here is a website devoted to one weirdo German's stories about Roy Orbison wrapped in Cling-film (plastic wrap).

P.S. Don't put my name in your comments.

Someone I don't know read my blog

2006-12-06T12:51:00.000-08:00

I decided today to go back and look over some of my older blog entries and laugh at my own jokes. I was reading the post I made about the Insane Clown Posse. I looked at the comments and low and behold, an actual real-life Juggalo named Jaysun Ya Dead Homie read my story and decided to speak his Faygo-filled mind on it.
He seems to be a well-spoken individual and so I will now break down his comments sentence by sentence and mock him accordingly.

"Some Juggalos as we like to call ourselves, have in fact went on to lead producitve lives in society."
Oh, you call yourselves Juggalos? Thanks for that insider information, it wasn't clear before that you referred to yourself by any kind of name. I'm sure that some of you Juggalos go on to live "producitve" lives in society and because that word is meaningless I will assume that you meant that some of you go on to live meaningless lives in society. However, I understand that we all make the occasional typo from time to time and that you actually meant to say productive. But breaking down your sentence you say that "Some Juggalos" have went on to lead productive lives in society. The word "some" implies a quanitity that is more than zero, so in fact you are saying that more than zero juggalos have went on to lead productive lives. I will agree with that statement because there is probably at least one Juggalo who blew off his face with a shotgun thereby making society more productive by ridding it of one less retard.

"I, myself have been a follower of the insane clown posse for ten years and counting."
Better get yourself an abacus because I have a feeling these clowny fellas are gonna be sticking around for awhile.

"Yet, I maintain a great job as an electrical engineer, as well as being a loving father and husband."
Please tell your wife her butt stinks and put your baby up for adoption immediately. I am also guessing that the combined weight of your family would break most elevators.

"These so-called Juggaloes, put a bad taste in your mouth. Me included."
Now wait a second, I thought we had just gone over that you call yourselves "Juggalos", now you are referring to "Juggaloes?" Did you forget how to spell it in the 10 seconds since you first typed it? Let's get a little consistency here please. Also, that bad taste in your mouth might be from your wife's stinky butt. The bad taste in my mouth is from the Sanka I just drank.

"But to make fun of the music and blame the music artists themselves is truly stupid."
What is more stupid: being fat white trash wearing clown makeup and rapping about sticking bottles into your anus or making fun of people who choose to put themselves in the public sphere like that?

"I love my Juggalo roots and claim them as family, but in no way, shape or form would I hurt any individual in anyway."
I'm sure you love your Juggalo roots just as much as black people love their African roots. The history of the Juggalo in America is a beautiful tapestry weaved from nut hair and dingleberries.

"These kids shouild be whipped with a belt in my opinion."
Maybe a belt made of AIDS.

"P.s. Dont be fooled kids,,,,Hot Carls are not fun for the whole family."
I have no idea what you mean by this. But thanks?

"Oh and one other thing, pointing people out that are differant is nothing more than childish."
I have to disagree with you on that one, pointing out people who are different is what separates us from the animals, but even then I think a fat monkey with clown makeup on would be shunned by the rest of his flock, or whatever you call a large gathering of monkeys.

"Point out me an laugh at Hot Topic?"
I'm not sure what you are asking, but if you are asking me to point and laugh at you at Hot Topic I will do everything I can to accommodate your request.

"Maybe I could hurt a person, their feelings that is."
OOOOOHHHHH, SNAP!

"Some people prefer to break people down with their minds, not with snickers and jokes."
Ok there, I didn't realize I was dealing with someone with the ability to shoot mind bullets. I also have never tried to break someone down with a Snickers besides the time I forced one into the anus of my little brother and told him he was reverse pooping.

"Grow up!"
Says the husband and father with the clown makeup on his face.

Box Factory

2006-12-05T11:35:00.000-08:00

Here is a pretty cool music video from DJ Shadow's latest album "The Outsider". This song features Lateef The Truthspeaker and Q-Tip.

This video made me think of that Simpsons episode where Bart takes a field trip to the box factory and then sneaks away and becomes the "I didn't do it" boy on Krusty's show.

Homer: Whaddaya mean, you lost him? He might have fallen into one of these machines! (sees Bart's hat on a box) Oh, my God, that's his lucky red hat. He's a box! My boy's a box! Damn you, a box!

You're Wondering Who I Am . . .

2006-11-21T16:34:00.000-08:00

. . . machine or mannequin.
With parts made in Japan.
I am the modern man.

This is one of my favorite commercials of all time. This commercial also introduced me to Styx, one of the greatest bands of all time. This commercial also introduced the world to Tony Hale, who would later go on to play Buster in "Arrested Development", one of the greatest shows of all time. Of All-Time YouTube videos, this may be the most all-time things in one 30 second clip of all time.

Nate Robinson Being Awesome

2006-11-21T10:17:00.000-08:00

WSU Joke

2006-11-17T11:39:00.000-08:00

A Cougar joke I wrote just in time for Apple Cup:

It seems there was this fellow named Smythe who graduated from the Washington State University. He had decided to seek employment as a salesman for a haberdashery located in the city of Seattle. He procured an interview with the owner, one Mr. Longfellow, the following morning. Smythe arrived at Longfellow’s and took a seat in the parlor. Longfellow entered the room and said with a booming baritone, “I will hire you immediately for the position if you just name for me the patron saint of haberdashers.” Smythe stood up and wagged his finger, “Why that would be Saint Louis XI!” he exclaimed. Longfellow chortled, “You imbecile, the patron saint of haberdashers is Saint Louis IX, I can clearly see you were educated at an inferior university.” He then tossed out this zinger of a farewell, “and were I like thee, I would throw myself away in the rubbish bin.”

Something I Wish I'd Seen

2006-11-17T08:33:00.000-08:00

Imagine the 50 nerdliest nerds playing the Musical Chairs game of their lives. 50 pimple-covered, gangly social outcasts being stripped to their most primal instincts. They must have Playstation 3, it is essential for their survival. Inevitably chaos would erupt, and out of chaos comes hilarious tragedy, or hilagedy.

From Wisconsin:
http://www.jsonline.com/watch/?watch=1&date=11/16/2006&id=14493

THURSDAY, Nov. 16, 2006, 11:32 a.m.
By Dan Benson
Man injured in sprint for place in line

West Bend - One person was injured early this morning outside the Wal-Mart department store in West Bend as a crowd of about 50 people lined up for a chance to buy one of 10 coveted video game systems the store has for sale.

Police have provided details of the incident late this morning:

An assistant store manager announced to the crowd, which had formed about 7 a.m., that the store expected to receive only 10 of the Sony PlayStation 3 game consoles, and that they would become available at 12:01 a.m. Friday.

The store official placed 10 chairs outside the store and directed the waiting customers to another area. At a signal, the customers were told to run to try to occupy one of the chairs. During the contest, a 19-year-old man ran into a pole and struck his head, injuring himself. He was taken to a local hospital for treatment.

Police said the case was one of helping an injured person, and was not the subject of any criminal investigation.

Have You Eatin a Swanson, Kick You in Your Johnson

2006-10-24T00:34:00.000-07:00

Have you wishin for your death like Charles Bronson:

Things to Note: Charles Bronson is old. He enjoys the taste of an ice cream bar in the hood. He enjoys killing creeps for sport. He doesn't even give a fuck about his camera, as long as he can shoot someone in the back.

If Adam Morrison wasn't a good enough reason to hate the Charlotte Bobcats . . .

2006-10-23T13:02:00.000-07:00

Now this: http://www.wcnc.com/localsports/stories/102006cckrSportsBobcatsMoves.5a18df9c.html

At least now Will doesn't have to play with a pack of faggots.

Mad About Marmaduke

2006-10-18T21:48:00.000-07:00

I enjoy the hilarious exploits of the mischevious Great Dane. Cojo renewed my interest by sending me a great Marmaduke site. In case you were wondering, there is a bunch of Marmaduke related content on the webs. Here is the best:

Joe Mathlete Explains Today's Marmaduke:
http://marmadukeexplained.blogspot.com/
(explains Marmaduke in layman's terms)

If Marmaduke went political:
http://marmadukecanvote.blogspot.com/
(for the most part, political humor really bores me, but if you add Marmaduke . . .)

Project Marmaduke:
http://www.supermasterpiece.com/marmaduke/
(this one includes a Marmaduke movie script that I am assuming is a work in progress)

longshoreman's daughter

2006-10-12T00:27:00.000-07:00

Washington State Primary

2006-09-19T09:49:00.000-07:00

I enjoy voting and you should too, even if it is just a primary. To help you make your decisions, here are my endorsements for the Washington State Senate Race. I know they are both Democrats, but it was honestly too difficult to choose between these two fine candidates. Everything that follows is copied exactly from the voter's pamphlet. I did not even make up this guy's middle name.

Michael Goodspaceguy Nelson (Democratic)

Some centuries have greatness in them. In about the last hundred years, we humans developed cars, radios, airplanes, movies, television, and computerization. We moved from the Horse and Buggy Age into the start of the Space Age. Now a great goal for this new century is Orbital Space Colonization. Let’s build the Fantastic Future! Let’s spread the life of Spaceship Earth out into our Solar System! With help from NASA, let’s start the seeds of several small and growing orbital space colonies in orbit around Earth, around the Moon, and around Mars. With all the money we have already spent on our space programs, we should already have these growing, orbital space colonies. Unfortunately, much of our space money has been wasted. It is as if our leaders have not been educated in orbital space colonization. The waste and destruction of taxpayers’ space property show a lack of understanding of space colonization. Also, we should replace war on our Spaceship Earth with world-wide free trade. It doesn’t make sense to bomb world-wide customers and suppliers. World peace and education and employment should also be our big goals. Let’s use our unemployed people! Unemployment is a huge waste! Our government should back its minimum wage by employing those who apply (including people with problems). Because some workers want more leisure, government should lead by creating many flexible employment programs, such as the three day and four day work week options. Let’s establish a head tax to slow the population explosion (the cause of many problems) on our Spaceship Earth. A head tax would be more pleasant than the old, cruel methods of population control, such as starvation, disease, and war. To learn more about my proposed plans, please also read my second blog: http://colonizeorbitalspace.blogspot.com
Phone:	206-390-0373
Web site:	http://colonizespace.blogspot.com
Address:	10219 Ninth Avenue S. Seattle, WA 98168

Mike The Mover (Democratic)

Listen to the thunder, hear the Governor roar; Mike the Mover’s loose again, and knocking at the door! Load up the cannon, call out the law, ’cause it’s the biggest calamity folks have ever saw. Girls run and hide, brave men shiver, every time they think they hear the name of Mike the Mover. Courtesy of Disney Productions 1958. A message to King George of Texas: Subject = Iraq. A wise man would surely recognize that an oasis exists beyond the sand storm. You continue to fight the sand storm with nothing more than a leaf blower. You’re lucky the Presidency doesn’t require an IQ test. Put Saddam Hussein back in power and let the Iraqi army patrol their own borders. Soon the pipeline will be spilling riches to the ports and onto the open market. Pull your troops back into Kuwait, and turn-off your leaf blower. A message to the Royal British Crown: Subject = Queen of Pigs. In 1859, a war was averted between the United States and Great Britain over the killing of a pig on the San Juan Islands. It seems you blokes didn’t learn anything from that altercation. One of your subjects, Victoria, Canada continues to pour untreated waste-water into the Straits of Juan de Fuca. Perhaps a United Nations resolution is needed to make those pigs clean-up their mess, or maybe another war! A message to Senator Ted Stevens-R, Alaska: Subject = Joker Run Wild. Stop picking on girls! Here’s the proposal: You and Mover go three rounds of fisticuffs at Key Arena. The winner takes the purse. Truth be known, most Washingtonians think you’re a bully, and really a 500 lb. sissy. A message to Jenny Markum: Subject = Amber Alert. A former Edmonds, Washington resident. Not seen since 1996. Call campaign headquarters ASAP (206)546.9545).
Phone:	206-546-9545
Address:	115 W. Dayton Street Edmonds, WA 98020

Norm

2006-09-17T22:45:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Tight Eyez.

Tribute to the Ugliest Man in the NBA

2006-09-13T16:58:00.000-07:00

Here's a quick update with a little Dunleavy action:

This one gave me goosebumps.

Countdown

2006-09-06T10:50:00.000-07:00

I became very excited today when I saw a poster advertising the 1st Annual Northwest Salsa Congress. It is only two days away. I predict the delegate from New York City will be openly mocked.

Follow Up: I just went to the website www.nwcongress.com, and it appears that this "congress" is not about the #1 condiment in the United States, but about salsa dancing (the #1,358 condiment, just behind diarrhea).

Battle Rappin pt. II

2006-08-28T20:12:00.001-07:00

Here is a real hardcore rap battle. From back-in the-day, during the roots of hip-hop:

Here is another good video. It's an unofficial outtake from those ProActive commercials featuring a drunk P.Diddy. This one may run late night on BET or VH1soul.

Hey! BOB SAPP Prease!

2006-08-18T16:38:00.000-07:00

Beast Time Y'all. Even gives a shoutout to Seattle in his rap. This video has pretty much everything.

My Top 100 Favorite Comedies

2006-08-09T09:09:00.000-07:00

Anchorman
The Big Lebowski
Dumb and Dumber
Tommy Boy
Freddie Got Fingered
Dirty Work
There’s Something About Mary
Super Troopers
Caddyshack
Half Baked
South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut
Spaceballs
Eddie Murphy: Delirious
Zoolander
Animal House
Strange Brew
Happy Gilmore
Old School
This Is Spinal Tap
Airplane
The Princess Bride
UHF
Saving Silverman
Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
Black Sheep
Billy Madison
PCU
Waiting for Guffman
40-Year Old Virgin
Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
Best in Show
Run Ronnie Run
Dude, Where’s My Car?
Fargo
Office Space
Clerks
Dazed and Confused
Blazing Saddles
The Jerk
Bad News Bears (old)
Mallrats
Beetlejuice
American Pie
Friday
Dogma
Detroit Rock City
Austin Powers
Jackass: The Movie
Coming to America
The Naked Gun
Team America: World Police
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
National Lampoon’s: Vacation
Revenge of the Nerds
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Trading Places
The Royal Tennenbaums
The Mask
What About Bob?
Wayne’s World
Groundhog Day
Ghostbusters
Planes, Trains, & Automobiles
High Fidelity
Bad Santa
O Brother, Where Art Thou?
Raising Arizona
Master of Disguise
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Van Wilder
Meet the Parents
National Lampoon’s: Christmas Vacation
Major League
The Original Kings of Comedy
Private Parts
Kingpin
The Comedians of Comedy
Man on the Moon
Aladdin
Naked Gun 2 ½
The Nutty Professor
Beverly Hills Cop
The Blues Brothers
Coneheads
Beavis and Butthead Do America
Fletch
Kids in the Hall – Brain Candy
Ghostbusters II
Caddyshack II
Spellbound
Dodgeball
Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood
Robin Hood: Men in Tights
Uncle Buck
Stripes
Naked Gun 33 1/3
Ski Patrol

Leave comments on any movies you think should or should not be on this list.

A Couple Comedy Clips

2006-07-25T18:46:00.000-07:00

Here is a clip from the best episode of Wonder Showzen:

This clip is from Zach Galifianakis, who will be at Bumbershoot:

Don't Fuck With Teen Wolf

2006-07-21T09:48:00.000-07:00

President Bush pissed a lot of people off when he vetoed the stem-cell research bill. I don't think he knew he would be facing the wrath of Michael J. Fox, a.k.a. Trembly McShakesalot. News story here.

In other news, I don't know how I missed this video for so long:

Brandon Roy spreading his silky smoothness all over the Las Vegas Summer League:

Cool Fatboy Slim music video:

Even though I'm on board with David Hasselhoff in that I also hate juggling, I am more of a fan of things in rhythm. Plus the song features Lateef the Truth Speaker, so I'm a bit partial to it.

Given Y'all Flashbacks Like A Second Vietnam

2006-07-19T15:03:00.000-07:00

Because I went to the Jurassic 5 show last night I decided to see what they had on YouTube. I found this rather startling video:

I was first shocked that Tom Green is still around. Next, I was shocked at Tom Green's crazy flows. Next, I was pleased by Tom Green's MC wig. Next, I was saddened by the absence of Glen Humplik.

Am I A Bad Person? . . . Yes

2006-07-18T14:38:00.000-07:00

I found this headline, courtesy of CNN.com, strangely hilarious: "Mumbai mourns it's '7/11' victims".

Sucks all those people died though.

P.S. Fuck you Seattle, I'm moving to Portland.

Orientation to Bob Jones University

2006-07-17T19:01:00.000-07:00

I am going to miss this man.

Warning: Ladies may become impregnated by looking at this picture

2006-07-13T11:24:00.000-07:00

When I think of things that are awesome, I feel pretty sweet. When I make things in Photoshop that are awesome beyond human comprehension, I feel like a Golden God. Ladies and gentlemen, I bestow upon you . . . a pirate playing a keytar:

Courtesy of that guy from The Darkness

Juggalo Attack!

2006-07-12T08:29:00.000-07:00

Oh dear! It seems those fearsome Juggalos have done it again. The Seattle Times had an article today which broke the story. The Juggalos have been gathering in Ft. Steilacoom park to drink and smoke marijuana. But you know those wiley Juggalos aren't just going to sit around peacefully. They have really jumped it up a notch by beating up other people in the park and "threatening to cut their heads off." One of the Juggalos was even armed with a machete (are we in Rwanda or something?). Even though some arrests were made, the end of Juggalo violence does not seem near. The Times states: "One of the men charged in the attacks claimed that Juggalo groups are growing in Pierce County — going by the names 'Hatchet Riders,' 'Juggalo Empire' and 'Northwest Juggalo Posse.'"

I always thought Juggalos were a hilarious oddity. You might be wondering, exactly what are these Juggalos? They are the retarded devout fans of the Insane Clown Posse. ICP member Violent J raps:

What is a juggalo?
Let me think for a second
Oh, he gets butt-naked
And then he walks through the streets
Winking at the freaks
With a two-liter stuck in his butt-cheeks.

I like how Violent J needs a moment to contemplate his answer, then decides that the best description of a Juggalo is a person with a bottle of soda inserted in his anus. Later descriptions also tell us that a Juggalo is apt to "put a weave in his nut hair" and isn't afraid to tell a "bitch that her butt stinks." Oooh, scary! I just can't wait until these kids are in their 30's and look back on their youth and wonder "What the fuck was I doing? I worshipped fat guys in clown makeup who rapped about Faygo soda." So next time you see some ugly white kid drinking a Faygo and shopping at Hot Topic, just point and laugh because you know where that bottle has been.

This is kind of dirty

2006-07-05T21:30:00.000-07:00

One Shining Moment

2006-06-19T17:43:00.000-07:00

Here is a UW version of "One Shining Moment." It brings a little tear to my eye. You can also download a better quality version here. Thank you nerds.

Want to Send Me Into a Murderous Rage?

2006-06-06T23:28:00.000-07:00

Here is the Top Ten List of things you can do to get me to hate you instantly:

10. Have red hair

9. Use the word "pathos"

8. Believe that intelligent design should be taught in schools instead of, or along side, evolution

7. Be a yella-bellied commie

6. Not enjoy a Subway sandwich from time to time

5. Think that hating someone for not enjoying a Subway sandwich from time to time is frivolous and counterproductive

4. Use the words "frivolous" and "counterproductive"

3. Make Top Ten Lists that you don't have ten funny things for and end up having to put in some random entry that is completely out of context as a filler

2. The Wright Brothers

1. Be a hypocrite

The Power of Bags

2006-06-03T14:22:00.000-07:00

Carson Palmer's Cornhole (classic) here.

Ol' Rickets Magoo

2006-05-30T17:41:00.000-07:00

I woke up a little early today to leave some extra time to get prepared for my first day as a legal intern. By "get prepared" I mean taking a 20 minute crap and then 2 minutes rushing around trying to get all my stuff together and get out the door. The office is pretty close so I can walk to work. This is great in theory, but as I enjoyed a nice sunny morning wading through Folklife garbage in Seattle Center, a problem appeared. As I walked, all the fecal matter that didn't come out earlier gradually worked its way down to my lower colon. I started sweating and my gait became irregular. I was walking like these kids up there never will. . .like a guy with polio. Was I going to have to take a shit in the office in my first minute at work? No way, I decided to swallow it up and wait until it either (a) absorbed back into my body, (b) could be released at a more appropriate time and place, or (c) Shawshanked its way out of my digestive track to fecal freedom. So, what happened? How about (d) all of the above. I'm sure some of it is floating around in the veins in my arm right now. At lunch I took a brief dump in Fischer Plaza that was completely unsatisfying due to the weird old Asian guy giving himself a spongebath with paper towels in the sink. Also, I was turtle-heading all day and some probably broke off in my drawers.

In other news, the two other interns I trained with are pretty cool dudes. One said he was a Sig Ep at UW before they turned into "a homo house." The other guy just laughs at everything, which is fine by me, I love having guys like that around. However, I found that I would not be working with these fellas, but instead would be teamed up with the other intern. I go downstairs to meet the intern and instantly have to swallow my own bile. Not only is the other intern from Gonzaga but she is also a redhead. (Also known as "Gwah" according to some guy from England who Kowalksi met.) Beelzebub himself could not have crafted a more vile being. I plug my nose with one hand and shake her hoof with the other while contemplating just turning around and running home.

After I become accustomed to the stench, I find out she is a really nice person and pretty cute for a redhead. I actually asked her if she was in the movie "Little Monsters" with Fred Savage and Howie Mandel. She looks just like that girl in that movie. I later told the other dudes that she had "a nice pair of gams" but they didn't know what I was talking about. (sidenote: I think only redheads can have gams, it's genetic like their freakish hair color.) (sidenote II: I should probably quit using slang from the 30's around people I just met. It makes me look like a Pally just trying to get some lettuce by getting togged to the bricks.)

Had a Bad Day?

2006-05-25T22:06:00.000-07:00

At least you're not the kid in this fantastic news report.

Ahh, Jack Bauer, eases the pain

2006-05-15T14:55:00.000-07:00

"24" is a kick-ass show that I really enjoy watching. Jack Bauer is like a counter-terrorist version of McGarnicle and like Homer Simpson I find myself yelling at the TV when the higher-ups in the administration dissaprove of Jack Bauer's rogue tactics. "IT MEANS HE GETS RESULTS YOU STUPID CHIEF!" Kiefer William Frederick Dempsey George Rufus Sutherland (seriously his full name) is also a bad ass in real life. He narrates some pretty sweet commercials for Verizon and Apple. He also does awesome things like this:

Article Here

Christmas trees are amazing to destroy when you are drunk. Kiefer also saves people in real life. He did this:

Which is in this:

Prayers Answered

2006-05-08T00:27:00.000-07:00

Fresh on the heels of the National Day of Prayer, some sweet salvation comes to the rest of the human race. Yes, I'm talking about the upcoming National Day of Slayer on June 6 (that's 6/6/06). Here are some ways to celebrate from their website:

Stage a "Slay-out." Don't go to work. Listen to Slayer.

Have a huge block party that clogs up a street in your neighborhood. Blast Slayer albums all evening. Get police cruisers and helicopters on the scene. Finish with a full-scale riot.

Spray paint Slayer logos on churches, synagogues, or cemeteries.

Play Slayer covers with your own band (since 99% of your riffs are stolen from Slayer anyway).

Kill the neighbor's dog and blame it on Slayer.

P.S. Speaking of bands stealing riffs from Slayer, check out this link from Mambles: http://youtube.com/watch?v=9aJFSpkxjtY&search=chris%20burke
You know you've lived a fine life when you can ride some washed-up down syndrome kid's coattails to mediocrity.

Kids Today Are Foppish Dandies

2006-05-03T15:43:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or are kids today starting to get a little queerer? When I was a kid I wore sweatpants or some other kind of athletic gear to school every day. I remember one day I wore jeans to school in 4th grade and everyone asked me what I was all dressed up for. I lied and said that my mom died and I had to go to her funeral after school. It wasn't until middle school when boys started noticing the bumps on the girls chests were going to be boobs one day and that these girls might like you more if you wore some cool clothes. Gone were the grass-stained sweats and in came jeans and Stussy shirts. But the kids these days? They start wearing Stussy in kindergarten. Elementary school kids are putting product in their hair and wearing Sevens. Take a trip to Alderwood Mall sometime and see for yourself. (Note: Don't) Do they not care about the excellent mobility of a nice elastic waist? Nope, they only care about their Myspace page and quoting Napoleon Dynamite or how to get Napoleon Dynamite quotes on their Myspace page. They are pretty much turning into giant gaymos.

Case and point. When the SuperSoaker 50 came out it changed the world of squirt gun fights. This was the watergun equivalent of the bolt-action rifle. Not only could you squirt water 10 times farther, you didn't need to refill the thing every 2 minutes. But today's gay youth, they aren't satisfied with a gun that just shoots water. They need something a little more homoerotic to fit their fancy. So, Hasbro came out with this:

Husky Hoops

2006-05-02T18:37:00.000-07:00

As part of my study routine, I spend about 3 hours on YouTube watching other people's crappy videos. About 40% of the videos are made by stupid Asians with camera phones. Another 15% is of stupid Asians playing Dance Dance Revolution (DDR for those in the know). The other 40% is people filming the most inane shit you can think of like "Here's my new broom, it sure is good for sweeping this sidewalk" or "Look at this cat chase this laser pointer" So, basically I have to spend most of my time sifting through crap that makes me extremely angry in order to find the remaining 5% gems that I post on here. This video did not take me long to find, but I decided to watch a bunch of DDR videos anyways to get the full experience.

When I was watching this video for the first time I was sure that Nate and Brandon would be in it. But who would round out the Top 3 Huskies? Would it be Will Conroy? Bobby Jones? Jamaal Williams perhaps? Maybe this filmmaker was fond of one Chester Buckets Simmons? Watch and see.

MIKE FUCKING JENSEN!!!???!! I understand Mike being put in a Husky highlight reel every now and then, but naming him one of the Top 3 Washington Huskies? I would put him on my Top 3 list of Huskies who are distracted by shiny things. The guy did a good job covering Jensen's career though - 2 alley oops. Also, one of the Brandon Roy highlights versus Oregon is really Will Conroy. Though I criticize I still thought the video was pretty cool and it got me pumped up for next season. I also like when Jay-Z says "it's hard to yell when the barrels in your mouth" because he says it "bare rells."

P.S. Here is Stephen Colbert being awesome at the White House Correspondents Dinner if you haven't seen it.

With Her Mustard Socks and Ketchup Sash, She's a Real Hot Dog

2006-04-26T09:59:00.000-07:00

Here is a Mr. T Fashion Show. No more explanation needed.

Totally gay Nordic dudes here. This is a music video from Finland. I'm pretty sure it was made last year on that newly completed Finnish space station. I think in the last shot you get a glimpse of the new Packard convertible I read about in Popular Mechanics.

This next video just really pisses me off. "Momma always said I had the voice of an angel." Right and the face of a troll that's been beaten with a hammer. She could pass as George Wendt in drag. I also like how the only way she can separate her tits from her fupa is by strapping that belt extra tight.

Now for some black nonsense.

What's In My Head?

2006-04-11T16:32:00.000-07:00

Found this gem the other day and still haven't been able to get the song out of my head. I hope it does the same to you.

And now for my thoughts:

1. I remember this cartoon from when I was a tot and I am still not sure what it is supposed to teach you. The chorus teaches you how to count to 12, but then every verse teaches you how to shout numbers randomly like a schizophrenic idiot-savant. That being said, the verse for #2 is my favorite with the steel-drums going "piddily-pee-deepee-pidddillillidippidiipee."
That's some blattin (blogging + scatting) for you.

2. If you ever wanted to know what mushrooms are like, minus the subsequent downward spiral into your own personal pit of despair . . .

3. If you want the song it is "Pinball Number Count" by the Pointer Sisters. It's just too damn funky.

4. R.I.P. Proof. God must need his angels back in Heaven. You were one of the best hype-men in the game. I thought you were going to be the next Flava Flav. I'll always remember you for shouting out random words of Eminem's rhymes.

Rest In Peace Nigga!

I Never Metaphysics I Didn't Like

2006-04-10T10:14:00.000-07:00

Have you ever transcended Space and Time? Because apparently Darren Daulton has. Those who were fortunate to catch Sportscenter on Sunday, April 9, were delighted to a lengthy interview with the former Philly. For those who didn't, you are probably wondering what Mr. Daulton has been up to since he retired from baseball. Oh, you know, just the occasional time travel and sometimes visiting other dimensions. He also has this message: on December 21, 2012 at 11:11 GMT, the world as we know it will end and those ready will leave this earth to live in a new plane of existence.

You see, Darren Daulton is a firm believer of metaphysics. He believes that the universe is made up of numerical synchronicities and that all matter is made up of energy vibrating at different frequencies. If one is conscious of this energy, then they would be able to manipulate "reality". For example, Daulton believes a rosing bag "is just a mirage of innumerable particles constantly speeding up or slowing down." People are unaware of the Fourth or Fifth Dimensions, which allow people to tap into this energy field to manipulate the universe.

Daulton began his existential journey when he hit a line-drive single at Wrigley field to win the game. After the game he broke down sobbing because he felt he wasn't in his body when he hit that ball. As he dove into the world of metaphysics, he also enjoyed driving drunk. In 2001, he was in a horrific traffic accident and charged with a DUI, but he claims that he was intentionally run off the road because of his business ties with the FBI and the White House. A little wife-slapping here and there, another DUI, and Daulton found himself a nice three-month stint in prison. He then truly explored the metaphysical relm while in prison and wrote his ideas and beliefs into a manuscript titled "If They Only Knew."

Now, I think that there is some credence to Daulton's beliefs. There are many well-educated people with similar beliefs like Aristotle, Plato, and Einstein. Unfortunately, Sportscenter makes Daulton look like a crazy wife-beater who is part of some astrophyics cult. Darren Daulton does not give a fuck though. However, I don't know if the academic community want Darren Daulton as the spokesperson for metaphysics.

As for the end of the world thing, I remember one evening Beef handing me a piece of paper with "12/21/12" and telling me nothing more. After a little internet research, I discovered that the Mayan calendar believes the world will end on December 21, 2012. Now, I've never even seen a Mayan, therefore, I think they are stupid. But just in case: http://www.survive2012.com/ (also includes a nice discussion on dragons).

A number of metaphysical theories are discussed in the movies "What The #$*! Do We Know?," "Donnie Darko,"(hmm, Darren Daulton = Donnie Darko, coincidence?) and "I Heart Huckabees" which I enjoy. I watched "What the #$*!" after eating a Colwell Cookie and my brain actually melted out of my nose and into my popcorn, which I later consumed. It seriously made my brain hurt to watch that movie because it mind-fucks you, hard and dry. I don't think I am ready to transcend space and time yet, but when things are going bad, I can just take comfort in the words of Darren Daulton, "Reality is created and guarded by numeric patterns that overlap and awaken human consciousness, like a giant matrix or hologram."

Um, yeah.

Why I love Black People

2006-03-26T19:12:00.000-08:00

I was a huge fan of Bubb Rubb (www.bubbrubb.com) when he hit the scene a few years back. While not the same individual accomplishment, this video reaches near levels of insanity.

There are so many good moments in this video. All I know is I need one of them leprechaun flutes to protect myself. This video is just another thing on the long list of reasons of why I love black people. I think it is because black people just want to have a good time. They thrive in the spotlight. When the local news comes around, black people look at it like an opportunity to entertain an audience. Who else would pull out a piece of PVC pipe and claim it was a magical leprechaun flute that was passed down from his Irish great-great-great grandfather, in complete seriousness? When white people are on the news they are too concerned about trying to relay actual, reliable information, but end up sounding stupid anyways. A white person at the leprechaun scene would be like (white guy voice): "Um, there appears to be some kind of optical illusion caused by the shadows and contours of the tree's trunk, forming the visage of the mythical Irish leprechaun." Black people take it as an audition to BET's Comic View. Example: "Y'all see the leprechaun say YEEEAHHH!" I got more information out of that than any scientist could ever explain. God bless them.

Another Great Video

2006-03-07T10:39:00.000-08:00

Now that I just figured out how to put movies onto this page I am going to be posting a lot more of them up. This video is one of my all-time favorites:

First of all, I hate Asian people and the kids in the beginning of the video renew my hatred. Second of all, what the fuck is this event? I think it is a competition devoted solely to Robot dancing. Times have changed since I was in school. We could only imagine what it would look like for a robot to dance. Thirdly, I love how the crowd starts cheering at first because they think the white kid is a dork (which he is), but then their screams get louder and louder as their brains begin melting out of their faces. Seriously, the white kid is part praying mantis or something.

2006-03-06T15:53:00.000-08:00

Here is something sweet:

This is what happens when you try to start a bonfire with a pile of snow-covered wood and 2.5 gallons of gasoline.

Me Love You Long Time

2006-02-17T11:30:00.000-08:00

Here are some recent things that I have seen/heard/done:

1. I am a sexual scheming lawyer in this moot court competition. I grabbed some chick's butt and told her I was going to waive my fees if she ate a spoonful of my semen.

2. Valentine's Day - There seems to be a growing population of men who are fed up with this Valentine's Day bullshit. I don't really give a fuck about Valentine's Day and here is my advice to make it tolerable.
--About a week to a week and a half before Feb. 14th, tell your girlfriend/wife/mistress/sheep that you are aware Valentine's Day is coming up. Say something like "Hey, Valentine's Day is coming soon." Next thing you do is tell her that you just want to do something nice and low-key.
--Then say, "Let's go to a nice dinner and skip the whole gift/present thing." Once you say this, absolutely do not get her a present, no matter what, even if she gets you something. You will ruin any future opportunities to not buy gifts. Even if you say "no presents" she will still expect something from you always if you cave in now.
--Next, make reservations at a nice restaurant for either Feb. 13th or the 15th. Do not go on actual Valentine's Day! Most restaurants realize the 14th is a huge cash cow and will pull some crap like having a "special menu" or a fixed-price menu. Not only will you probably have to pay more, but you will only get to choose between 3 items and limited wine. If you have a later reservation, there is probably a very good chance that they will run out of some of the menu items and you will have to pay $40 for a plate of penne pasta.
--Now, your woman/man/animal will probably still want to do something on the 14th. For this, you only need to go out for some drinks/light eats and then go to a movie or a show which will take up most of the night.
--Have sex, no matter what else happens.

3. The Wedding Singer - The Musical
After giving my Valentine's advice, my advice is to never go to the Wedding Singer. I'd get a prostate exam from this guy than see this pile of shit. Here is a list of problems with this travesty:
-They took everything funny about the movie and decided to replace it with gay. Accept the gay brother/cousin character wasn't as gay as he could have been
-They had the chance to make really funny songs but didn't. Most of the songs involve being at a wedding or being in love or being at a wedding in love.
-The only "jokes" in the musical were references to the 80's. Oh my god, look at how big cell phones were back then! HaHa! Oh my god, remember that band from the 80's! HaHa! Oh my god, remember what people's hair was like in the 80's! PLEASE TAKE A CHEESE GRATER TO MY FACE!
-GAY GAY GAY. I don't know if it is just me, but musicals are just too gay for me. All these people jumping and twirling around all the time, singing about butt-sex.

Good Joke

2006-01-09T11:54:00.000-08:00

A man was out on his boat fishing. His line became ensnared to his buddy's line and he reached over the edge of the boat to unhook it. When he leaned over the edge, his wallet fell out of his pocket and into the lake. As it slowly sank, the man saw a carp come over and grab the wallet in his mouth. Then a second carp came and snatched the wallet from the first carp. An even bigger carp came and grabbed the wallet. The man looked over to his buddy and said, "I think that's the first time I've ever seen carp to carp walleting."

Brokeback Motha FUCKA!

2006-01-06T17:11:00.000-08:00

One of my personal heroes, Larry David, wrote this nice opinion piece for the NY Times.

Cowboys Are My Weakness

By Larry David

Published: January 1, 2006

SOMEBODY had to write this, and it might as well be me. I haven't seen "Brokeback Mountain," nor do I have any intention of seeing it. In fact, cowboys would have to lasso me, drag me into the theater and tie me to the seat, and even then I would make every effort to close my eyes and cover my ears.

And I love gay people. Hey, I've got gay acquaintances. Good acquaintances, who know they can call me anytime if they had my phone number. I'm for gay marriage, gay divorce, gay this and gay that. I just don't want to watch two straight men, alone on the prairie, fall in love and kiss and hug and hold hands and whatnot. That's all.

Is that so terrible? Does that mean I'm homophobic? And if I am, well, then that's too bad. Because you can call me any name you want, but I'm still not going to that movie.

To my surprise, I have some straight friends who've not only seen the movie but liked it. "One of the best love stories ever," one gushed. Another went on, "Oh, my God, you completely forget that it's two men. You in particular will love it."

"Why me?"

"You just will, trust me."

But I don't trust him. If two cowboys, male icons who are 100 percent all-man, can succumb, what chance to do I have, half- to a quarter of a man, depending on whom I'm with at the time? I'm a very susceptible person, easily influenced, a natural-born follower with no sales-resistance. When I walk into a store, clerks wrestle one another trying to get to me first. My wife won't let me watch infomercials because of all the junk I've ordered that's now piled up in the garage. My medicine cabinet is filled with vitamins and bald cures.

So who's to say I won't become enamored with the whole gay business? Let's face it, there is some appeal there. I know I've always gotten along great with men. I never once paced in my room rehearsing what to say before asking a guy if he wanted to go to the movies. And I generally don't pay for men, which of course is their most appealing attribute.

And gay guys always seem like they're having a great time. At the Christmas party I went to, they were the only ones who sang. Boy that looked like fun. I would love to sing, but this weighty, self-conscious heterosexuality I'm saddled with won't permit it.

I just know if I saw that movie, the voice inside my head that delights in torturing me would have a field day. "You like those cowboys, don't you? They're kind of cute. Go ahead, admit it, they're cute. You can't fool me, gay man. Go ahead, stop fighting it. You're gay! You're gay!"

Not that there's anything wrong with it.

Larry David appears in the HBO series "Curb Your Enthusiasm."

Right Said Fred

2006-01-06T16:53:00.000-08:00

You may remember Mr. Fred from his hit single "I'm too Sexy," in which Mr. Fred made several declarations that he was "too sexy" for various items of clothing as well as other intangible objects (such as entire cities and countries). This was a small novelty song back when it came out in 1992, but who would have known that Right Said Fred would come to establish a monopoly on the movie montage market. Every movie that features a character about to go on a big date or to some new job must use "I'm too Sexy" for the clothes changing montage or else violate the standards of the Hollywood Director's Guild. Mr. Fred receives an extra $2.00 for every "I'm too sexy for my . . ." line that is used during the montage. And I have no way to finish this entry except that I'm too sexy for this blog.

P.S. That was the nerdiest thing that has ever been typed on my laptop.

Dreaming of Punching Nerds

2005-12-13T13:31:00.000-08:00

The past few nights I have been having a reoccuring theme to my dreams. The two dreams I can remember are completely unrelated except for one aspect . . . I've had to punch a nerd in the face. The first dream I was in an apartment. The apartment was apparently my own, however I had never been there before. Much to my surprise, I found a PSP on the counter and had no idea whose it was. However there was this fat nerdy jew in my apartment who decided that he better take it. I told him that I was going to keep it until the owner came to claim it. The fat jew refused to turn it over. I asked him one more time to hand it over and again he refused. I cocked back and knocked him right in the middle of his fat jew face with a right hook. He immediately started crying and I felt bad, but I told him he was being an asshole so I had to do it.

This is what the first nerd looks like, and yes he was probably 13 years old in my dream. . . and I punched him in the face.

The second dream involved some kind of basketball game that was being played on a sand court (I don't really know how it worked). Anyways, people were shooting for teams and there was this blonde punk kid who kept digging holes in the middle of the court. I was getting really upset at him because, as you probably know, if you play basketball on a sand court full of holes someone is going to roll an ankle. I told him I would kick his ass if he didn't stop, but he just gave me some stupid smile and kept digging. So, I grabbed him by his shirt and obliterated his nose and mouth with a rapid succession of about 4 or 5 punches. I got blood all over me and threw his body to the ground and walked off feeling good about myself.

Yeah, fuck you too buddy. Too bad your face is all smashed to shit now.

Trader Joe's Cilantro Roasted Pecan Dip

2005-12-03T13:51:00.000-08:00

CONSUMER WARNING!!! I bought some of this dip from my local Trader Joe's the other day. It cost $3.29 for a 8 oz. container of some green stuff. I opened it right when I got home to try it out. I peeled off the protective plastic cover and took a lick. I vomitted immediately. It tasted like I was licking a sweaty vagina full of sand. Absolutely disgusting and I could not get that sweaty pussy taste out of my mouth for a couple of hours. DO NOT BUY THIS PRODUCT!

Day After Thanksgiving

2005-11-26T15:05:00.000-08:00

Though this is not the day after Thanksgiving, I did think of this the day after Thanksgiving and now I am writing about it, so back off fuck wad. Anyways sorry about being a little harsh there, I just wanted to tell you something. I bet a common thought or declaratory statement is made thousands of times on the day after Thanksgiving. That thought is, "This is the best turkey sandwich I have ever eaten."
Let me tell you about my turkey sandwich. I went to Safeway and bought a demi baguette sandwich loaf or some crap like that. I toasted the loaf in the oven at 350 F. That's like 47 C for all you European assholes. Once the loaf was nicely toasted (I like it to be crunchy on the outside, but nice and soft in the middle, kind of like an octogenarian's pajina), I dissected the loaf and began to apply the necessary acuterments (is that even a word?). The first was a nice cream cheese spread. Then I applied a cranberry jelly. Lettuce and tomato were next. Then I used a mix of white and dark turkey meat to complete the sandwich. I bit into my creation and concluded that it was NOT the best turkey sandwich I have ever eaten. Maybe in the top 500.
Now I am a big fan of sandwiches and I'd have to say the best sandwich I have ever eaten is the first time I ate a Firecracker sub from Tubs. So to everyone who thought they were eating the best turkey sandwich of their lives yesterday: Shut your stupid talk hole you fucking liar.

Here is a brief list of things I hate right now. . .

1. People who lie about how great their sandwich is/was
2. Law School Exams
3. The War at Home (who is watching this show?)
4. The Real World: Austin (Thank god it is over so I don't have to waste 30 minutes a week watching some Boston fagotta whine about fucking some over-dependent white bitch)

Coming Soon

2005-11-19T17:35:00.000-08:00

Watch out for Salmon Shake, coming to a state fair near you!

Wops and Rag Heads

2005-10-20T18:27:00.000-07:00

Are Arab people becoming this century's Italians? I see the same haircuts, greasy moustaches, sleazy clothing, and gaudy jewelry. Plus, they both stink like a camel's grundle. Either way, the sight of them piss me off.

Random Thought

2005-10-19T21:01:00.000-07:00

If there was a giant worldwide conference of all the pets in the world, I think one of the issues being brought up is addressing the problem of the rising influx of robotic pets on the market.

People I Want to Punch in the Face

2005-09-11T16:00:00.000-07:00

There are three people I want to punch in the face right now. I know you are not supposed to hit a guy with glasses, but what about a girl with glasses? What if she has a hearing aid? I'll talk more about that later but here are the people who need a nice face smashing. All three of them are girls so I don't know what that says about me. So here they are in reverse order.

3. The chubby faced redheadd girl who sits in the front right side of my class.
There is nothing that she does that makes her deserve a punch in the face, but her cheeks are just a little bit chubby and they look like they would be soft on my knuckles. She is not even fat, but just has that baby fat on her face . . . which I really want to punch. I'm sure that after I punched her in the face I would feel really bad about it. Until then, I can't look at her without wondering what it would be like to smash my fist right into her nose.

2. The stupid bitch with the stupid look on her face who sits in the front of my class.
I wouldn't have noticed this dumb cunt except I was looking at the chubby faced girl and saw her out of the corner of my eye. Why are you always looking around the class with that dumb grin? Every time I see you looking back at my direction I want to fold your teeth back to the roof of your mouth. She's always got this fucking look on her face like she is really enjoying the professor's lecture. Guess what bitch? That look does not make you look interesting and intellectual. In fact, that look makes you look like someone who wants both their eye sockets crushed with a cinder block. The only way I would fuck her would be from behind while stabbing her in the back and shoulders with a screwdriver.

1. The worthless twat with the hearing aid.
This bitch combines everything I hate. She is fat, but not hideously fat. She has an equally stupid look on her face like #2. She wears glasses. She is ugly. Of course, the hearing aid puts her over the top. Do you want some fucking sympathy from me just because your stupid ugly face can't hear anything? It's too bad you are deaf because I'm sure you would love the sound of your jaw being ripped off your face. Stop turning around with that fucking look on your face! It is not cute to stick your tongue out a little bit and smile like you are some kind of Japanese cartoon cat. I want to punch your face until it feels like bread dough. I hope you get raped with splintered piece of blasa wood bitch.

My Blog Has Been Read By A Robot . . . Or A German

2005-09-08T11:24:00.000-07:00

The only person to read this blog is some kind web robot. Here is the comment they left:
" I enjoy reading the stories on your site. Keep up the super articles!"
What kind of comment is that? My guess is that it is a robot designed to promote sports betting. I like to picture an actual robot sitting at a computer looking through people's crappy blogs and posting that comment. What human would want that job?

My other guess is that a person in Germany read that and decided to post a comment in "American." German people are kind of weird like that. Or is it wierd? I don't want to look it up right now. I think it's wierd. PROVE ME WRONG SCIENCE!

Will someone who is not a robot or a German read this? I would wager on no. If you like to make other wagers, just go to the robot/german's link at the bottom of their comment.

Area Man May Have Sharted

2005-09-01T07:46:00.000-07:00

A local man may have sharted in his pants early this morning. Finger tests have proved inconclusive. "The man woke up, took a messy shit, and then took a shower. After the shower he was getting dressed when a moist blurple came out," said an eye witness who refused to be identified. "The fact that he just took a shower makes it difficult to detect with just a finger test," a toxicologist on scene said. "We may need to do a butthole inspection in the mirror to truly determine what went on here."

The man was reportedly laying on the couch when he decided to squeeze out what he thought was just noxious gas. However, he may have been mistaken as his sphincter decided to let some juice loose as well. Authorities have secured the area and are treating it like a level 2 biohazard until the toxicologist results come in.

ATTENTION ALL SCIENTISTS!

2005-08-23T16:04:00.000-07:00

All this talk of stem cells and genetic engineering has got me thinking. What if you could have hot sauce any time you wanted? What about Ranch dressing? This is where the scientists need to come in. Why not find a way to make sauce glands that can be placed into the roof of the mouth. With these sauce glands you could be eating some chicken and just squirt out a little Frank's Red Hot whenever you felt the need. No more messy sauce packets and bottles. No more tasteless food. Sauce glands. I will be willing to donate my body to science in order to achieve this. I anticipate some problems at first. Maybe whenever I get really excited sauce will squirt out of my mouth. Perhaps I will be at a baseball game and scream really loud and shoot ranch all over the mom two rows down. Nevertheless, these problems will only be hilarious. So, how bout it science?