Nickelback: The Godfathers of Lighter-Waving Power Ballads

Has there been a shittier band in the history of music? Nickelback makes the Insane Clown Posse look like Irving Berlin. I think they are the robot spawn of Clear Channel's scientists. (They probably have scientists right?) They pump out the same shitty album every year and all the radio stations play the shitty singles over and over. Unfortunately, I'm sure that all of us now know the words to a Nickelback song. If Clear Channel has the ability to brainwash us with Nickelback lyrics, who knows how far they could go? I am preparing my foil helmet now.

Here is an article from The Seattle Times which was definitely written by either Nickelback's publicist or some Clear Channel PR guy. This guy's past job must have been writing propaganda for the Aryan Nation. Although, I think I would rather have a White Power rally in my neighborhood than a Nickelback concert. I honestly haven't read a bigger piece of nonjournalism horse turd since the last time I picked up The Daily. (Thank you, if you enjoy yuks like these I'll be at Giggles on Wednesday.) The author attempts to take the reader into some kind of fantasy land where people go ape-shit over Nickelback and would rather see them than a band made up of piles of old towels with sunglasses on and guitars laying on top of them. Somehow the author thought that people wouldn't see through this steaming pile of worm-filled dogshit.

Concert Review
Nickelback gives fans a home town feel

By Jeff Gilbert
Special to The Seattle Times

For singer/guitarist Chad Kroeger it wasn't so much the kick-off show on the last leg of Nickelback's "All The Right Reasons" tour as it was a gig in his own backyard.

Hailing from "just up the street" in Vancouver, B.C., Chad and the boys played as though it was in front of a hometown crowd. And for the deafening fans that filled the Tacoma Dome to near capacity Tuesday, it was.

Announcing the band's arrival with fireworks befitting Fourth of July-var's, Nickelback roared out of the gate with the full-throttle "Animals," barely stopping to refuel with the -- dare it be said -- grunge-sounding "Woke Up This Morning," from the 2003 multiplatinum CD, "Silver Side Up."

The rest of the 16-song set hit the sweet spot between muscular anthems ("Flat On The Floor," "Figured You Out") and lighter-waving power ballads ("How You Remind Me," "Someday"), a genre Nickelback all but redefined.

Having sold more than 25 million albums since shotgunning up the charts with the 2003 hit "How You Remind Me," and staying there with 2005's six-times platinum "All The Right Reasons," Nickelback delivered a show that sounded like a greatest-hits package -- because all their songs are hits.

Dressed in his mainstay rock attire of black T-shirt, jeans and boots -- which emphasized the everyman aspect of his songs -- Kroeger easily connected with the crowd. A self-proclaimed redneck, he told off-color jokes and instructed the road crew to get beer (Corona, though one would have presumed Moosehead, the Canadian brand) for everyone in the audience.

Drummer Daniel Adair's mid-set drum solo sounded like the shelling range at Fort Lewis, while guitarist Ryan Peake's turn in the spotlight with a cover of "Saturday Night's Alright (For Fighting)" was worthy of Metallica.

Thankfully, Mike Kroeger's robust bass didn't fall prey to the Tacoma Dome's notorious booming echo, as it did for the opening bands.

Encoring with the show-stopping "Rockstar," Nickelback's cheeky ode to fame-craving, the band proved with its big-chorus rock that it has truly earned, like the song says, a "bathroom they can play baseball in."

Nu-metal emo boys Three Days Grace and Breaking Benjamin, while enthusiastically received, were victims of opening-band syndrome: feedbacking mics, bass in the key of mud and three Duracells worth of lighting.

Copyright © 2006 The Seattle Times Company

(deep breath)

Ok, back to reality. Wow. This Jeff Gilbert guy is a really good spin doctor and I actually bet he's reviewed a Spin Doctors concert in a similar fashion. But it's fair to say that he took some liberties with the story. Here are some examples.

“for the deafening fans that filled the Tacoma Dome to near capacity Tuesday, it was.”

I'm sure that the Tacoma Dome was "near" capacity, just like when I threw a rock into the Grand Canyon, it was "nearly" filled to capacity with rocks. I think more people would show up to a Nickelback show if they just disguised it as a place to get free peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Also, I think the word "deafening" means something different in this context; such as, "Man, I went down to the Tacoma Dome to get a free peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but then Nickelback came out and started playing so I had to start deafening myself by stabbing my eardrums with my car keys."

“Announcing the band's arrival with fireworks befitting Fourth of July-var's, Nickelback roared out of the gate with the full-throttle "Animals," barely stopping to refuel with the -- dare it be said -- grunge-sounding "Woke Up This Morning," from the 2003 multiplatinum CD, "Silver Side Up."

Nice Fourth of July-vars name drop by Jeff there. It's like he's saying, "Hey, I'm one of you local hip Seattleans. Wanna go hang-out at that place in Singles and drink a starbuck?" And dare it be said, grunge sounding -- ooh Mr. Gilbert, you're making me blush with such a suggestion. I can imagine Jeff sitting around with his grunge rocker friends trying to convince them, "If you like Pearl Jam, then you are going to absolutely love Nickelback dude." That's like telling someone, "If you like Nat King Cole, then you will love Yung Joc."

“lighter-waving power ballads ("How You Remind Me," "Someday"), a genre Nickelback all but redefined.”

Creed is sitting at home thinking “Damn, I thought we redefined the lighter-waving power ballad. Well, looks like it’s back to the drawing board”

“Nickelback delivered a show that sounded like a greatest-hits package -- because all their songs are hits.”

This sentence alone should win Jeff Gilbert the Pulitzer Prize easily.

“Kroeger easily connected with the crowd. A self-proclaimed redneck, he told off-color jokes and instructed the road crew to get beer (Corona, though one would have presumed Moosehead, the Canadian brand) for everyone in the audience.”

Holy Fuck. If Chad Kroeger offered me a beer I think I would take it and drink the entire bottle slowly while intensely staring into his eyes. When I drank the final drop I would suddenly sodomize him with the empty bottle and break it off inside his anus. Then I would take the blood and feces smeared shards and slash his face repeatedly until his face looked like piece of paper that someone played a bunch of games of tic-tac-toe on. But that's just me.

The rest of article allows Jeff to suck the dick of all the other members of the band. Yes, the other members of Nickelback share a communal dick, that's why they are the other members of Nickelback. I do like the line "Encoring with the show-stopping." – do you often redundantly make redundant comments about redundancy much?

Here is what the concert probably ended up really looking like:

Here is a website which shows how Nickelback can't even create their own original shitty songs and have to copy themselves. http://www.thewebshite.net/nickelback.htm. Somehow, Nickelback has managed to one-up Pink Floyd in the synchronicity game. Pink Floyd songs only go with movies, but Nickelback has somehow figured out how to make their songs synch-up with other Nickelback songs!

Here is a link to an NPR broadcast where they discuss this phenomenon:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4258547

So yeah, Nickelback sucks, but there's one final question you should ask:

Is Chad Kroeger a Saluki?

Yes.