Me Love You Long Time

Here are some recent things that I have seen/heard/done:

1. I am a sexual scheming lawyer in this moot court competition. I grabbed some chick's butt and told her I was going to waive my fees if she ate a spoonful of my semen.

2. Valentine's Day - There seems to be a growing population of men who are fed up with this Valentine's Day bullshit. I don't really give a fuck about Valentine's Day and here is my advice to make it tolerable.
--About a week to a week and a half before Feb. 14th, tell your girlfriend/wife/mistress/sheep that you are aware Valentine's Day is coming up. Say something like "Hey, Valentine's Day is coming soon." Next thing you do is tell her that you just want to do something nice and low-key.
--Then say, "Let's go to a nice dinner and skip the whole gift/present thing." Once you say this, absolutely do not get her a present, no matter what, even if she gets you something. You will ruin any future opportunities to not buy gifts. Even if you say "no presents" she will still expect something from you always if you cave in now.
--Next, make reservations at a nice restaurant for either Feb. 13th or the 15th. Do not go on actual Valentine's Day! Most restaurants realize the 14th is a huge cash cow and will pull some crap like having a "special menu" or a fixed-price menu. Not only will you probably have to pay more, but you will only get to choose between 3 items and limited wine. If you have a later reservation, there is probably a very good chance that they will run out of some of the menu items and you will have to pay $40 for a plate of penne pasta.
--Now, your woman/man/animal will probably still want to do something on the 14th. For this, you only need to go out for some drinks/light eats and then go to a movie or a show which will take up most of the night.
--Have sex, no matter what else happens.

3. The Wedding Singer - The Musical
After giving my Valentine's advice, my advice is to never go to the Wedding Singer. I'd get a prostate exam from this guy than see this pile of shit. Here is a list of problems with this travesty:
-They took everything funny about the movie and decided to replace it with gay. Accept the gay brother/cousin character wasn't as gay as he could have been
-They had the chance to make really funny songs but didn't. Most of the songs involve being at a wedding or being in love or being at a wedding in love.
-The only "jokes" in the musical were references to the 80's. Oh my god, look at how big cell phones were back then! HaHa! Oh my god, remember that band from the 80's! HaHa! Oh my god, remember what people's hair was like in the 80's! PLEASE TAKE A CHEESE GRATER TO MY FACE!
-GAY GAY GAY. I don't know if it is just me, but musicals are just too gay for me. All these people jumping and twirling around all the time, singing about butt-sex.