Good Joke

A man was out on his boat fishing. His line became ensnared to his buddy's line and he reached over the edge of the boat to unhook it. When he leaned over the edge, his wallet fell out of his pocket and into the lake. As it slowly sank, the man saw a carp come over and grab the wallet in his mouth. Then a second carp came and snatched the wallet from the first carp. An even bigger carp came and grabbed the wallet. The man looked over to his buddy and said, "I think that's the first time I've ever seen carp to carp walleting."

Brokeback Motha FUCKA!

One of my personal heroes, Larry David, wrote this nice opinion piece for the NY Times.

Cowboys Are My Weakness

By Larry David

Published: January 1, 2006

SOMEBODY had to write this, and it might as well be me. I haven't seen "Brokeback Mountain," nor do I have any intention of seeing it. In fact, cowboys would have to lasso me, drag me into the theater and tie me to the seat, and even then I would make every effort to close my eyes and cover my ears.

And I love gay people. Hey, I've got gay acquaintances. Good acquaintances, who know they can call me anytime if they had my phone number. I'm for gay marriage, gay divorce, gay this and gay that. I just don't want to watch two straight men, alone on the prairie, fall in love and kiss and hug and hold hands and whatnot. That's all.

Is that so terrible? Does that mean I'm homophobic? And if I am, well, then that's too bad. Because you can call me any name you want, but I'm still not going to that movie.

To my surprise, I have some straight friends who've not only seen the movie but liked it. "One of the best love stories ever," one gushed. Another went on, "Oh, my God, you completely forget that it's two men. You in particular will love it."

"Why me?"

"You just will, trust me."

But I don't trust him. If two cowboys, male icons who are 100 percent all-man, can succumb, what chance to do I have, half- to a quarter of a man, depending on whom I'm with at the time? I'm a very susceptible person, easily influenced, a natural-born follower with no sales-resistance. When I walk into a store, clerks wrestle one another trying to get to me first. My wife won't let me watch infomercials because of all the junk I've ordered that's now piled up in the garage. My medicine cabinet is filled with vitamins and bald cures.

So who's to say I won't become enamored with the whole gay business? Let's face it, there is some appeal there. I know I've always gotten along great with men. I never once paced in my room rehearsing what to say before asking a guy if he wanted to go to the movies. And I generally don't pay for men, which of course is their most appealing attribute.

And gay guys always seem like they're having a great time. At the Christmas party I went to, they were the only ones who sang. Boy that looked like fun. I would love to sing, but this weighty, self-conscious heterosexuality I'm saddled with won't permit it.

I just know if I saw that movie, the voice inside my head that delights in torturing me would have a field day. "You like those cowboys, don't you? They're kind of cute. Go ahead, admit it, they're cute. You can't fool me, gay man. Go ahead, stop fighting it. You're gay! You're gay!"

Not that there's anything wrong with it.

Larry David appears in the HBO series "Curb Your Enthusiasm."

Right Said Fred

You may remember Mr. Fred from his hit single "I'm too Sexy," in which Mr. Fred made several declarations that he was "too sexy" for various items of clothing as well as other intangible objects (such as entire cities and countries). This was a small novelty song back when it came out in 1992, but who would have known that Right Said Fred would come to establish a monopoly on the movie montage market. Every movie that features a character about to go on a big date or to some new job must use "I'm too Sexy" for the clothes changing montage or else violate the standards of the Hollywood Director's Guild. Mr. Fred receives an extra $2.00 for every "I'm too sexy for my . . ." line that is used during the montage. And I have no way to finish this entry except that I'm too sexy for this blog.


P.S. That was the nerdiest thing that has ever been typed on my laptop.