Ol' Rickets Magoo

I woke up a little early today to leave some extra time to get prepared for my first day as a legal intern. By "get prepared" I mean taking a 20 minute crap and then 2 minutes rushing around trying to get all my stuff together and get out the door. The office is pretty close so I can walk to work. This is great in theory, but as I enjoyed a nice sunny morning wading through Folklife garbage in Seattle Center, a problem appeared. As I walked, all the fecal matter that didn't come out earlier gradually worked its way down to my lower colon. I started sweating and my gait became irregular. I was walking like these kids up there never will. . .like a guy with polio. Was I going to have to take a shit in the office in my first minute at work? No way, I decided to swallow it up and wait until it either (a) absorbed back into my body, (b) could be released at a more appropriate time and place, or (c) Shawshanked its way out of my digestive track to fecal freedom. So, what happened? How about (d) all of the above. I'm sure some of it is floating around in the veins in my arm right now. At lunch I took a brief dump in Fischer Plaza that was completely unsatisfying due to the weird old Asian guy giving himself a spongebath with paper towels in the sink. Also, I was turtle-heading all day and some probably broke off in my drawers.

In other news, the two other interns I trained with are pretty cool dudes. One said he was a Sig Ep at UW before they turned into "a homo house." The other guy just laughs at everything, which is fine by me, I love having guys like that around. However, I found that I would not be working with these fellas, but instead would be teamed up with the other intern. I go downstairs to meet the intern and instantly have to swallow my own bile. Not only is the other intern from Gonzaga but she is also a redhead. (Also known as "Gwah" according to some guy from England who Kowalksi met.) Beelzebub himself could not have crafted a more vile being. I plug my nose with one hand and shake her hoof with the other while contemplating just turning around and running home.

After I become accustomed to the stench, I find out she is a really nice person and pretty cute for a redhead. I actually asked her if she was in the movie "Little Monsters" with Fred Savage and Howie Mandel. She looks just like that girl in that movie. I later told the other dudes that she had "a nice pair of gams" but they didn't know what I was talking about. (sidenote: I think only redheads can have gams, it's genetic like their freakish hair color.) (sidenote II: I should probably quit using slang from the 30's around people I just met. It makes me look like a Pally just trying to get some lettuce by getting togged to the bricks.)

Had a Bad Day?

At least you're not the kid in this fantastic news report.

Ahh, Jack Bauer, eases the pain

"24" is a kick-ass show that I really enjoy watching. Jack Bauer is like a counter-terrorist version of McGarnicle and like Homer Simpson I find myself yelling at the TV when the higher-ups in the administration dissaprove of Jack Bauer's rogue tactics. "IT MEANS HE GETS RESULTS YOU STUPID CHIEF!" Kiefer William Frederick Dempsey George Rufus Sutherland (seriously his full name) is also a bad ass in real life. He narrates some pretty sweet commercials for Verizon and Apple. He also does awesome things like this:




Article Here

Christmas trees are amazing to destroy when you are drunk. Kiefer also saves people in real life. He did this:




Which is in this:

Prayers Answered

Fresh on the heels of the National Day of Prayer, some sweet salvation comes to the rest of the human race. Yes, I'm talking about the upcoming National Day of Slayer on June 6 (that's 6/6/06). Here are some ways to celebrate from their website:

Stage a "Slay-out." Don't go to work. Listen to Slayer.

Have a huge block party that clogs up a street in your neighborhood. Blast Slayer albums all evening. Get police cruisers and helicopters on the scene. Finish with a full-scale riot.

Spray paint Slayer logos on churches, synagogues, or cemeteries.

Play Slayer covers with your own band (since 99% of your riffs are stolen from Slayer anyway).

Kill the neighbor's dog and blame it on Slayer.

P.S. Speaking of bands stealing riffs from Slayer, check out this link from Mambles: http://youtube.com/watch?v=9aJFSpkxjtY&search=chris%20burke
You know you've lived a fine life when you can ride some washed-up down syndrome kid's coattails to mediocrity.

Kids Today Are Foppish Dandies

Is it just me or are kids today starting to get a little queerer? When I was a kid I wore sweatpants or some other kind of athletic gear to school every day. I remember one day I wore jeans to school in 4th grade and everyone asked me what I was all dressed up for. I lied and said that my mom died and I had to go to her funeral after school. It wasn't until middle school when boys started noticing the bumps on the girls chests were going to be boobs one day and that these girls might like you more if you wore some cool clothes. Gone were the grass-stained sweats and in came jeans and Stussy shirts. But the kids these days? They start wearing Stussy in kindergarten. Elementary school kids are putting product in their hair and wearing Sevens. Take a trip to Alderwood Mall sometime and see for yourself. (Note: Don't) Do they not care about the excellent mobility of a nice elastic waist? Nope, they only care about their Myspace page and quoting Napoleon Dynamite or how to get Napoleon Dynamite quotes on their Myspace page. They are pretty much turning into giant gaymos.

Case and point. When the SuperSoaker 50 came out it changed the world of squirt gun fights. This was the watergun equivalent of the bolt-action rifle. Not only could you squirt water 10 times farther, you didn't need to refill the thing every 2 minutes. But today's gay youth, they aren't satisfied with a gun that just shoots water. They need something a little more homoerotic to fit their fancy. So, Hasbro came out with this:

Husky Hoops

As part of my study routine, I spend about 3 hours on YouTube watching other people's crappy videos. About 40% of the videos are made by stupid Asians with camera phones. Another 15% is of stupid Asians playing Dance Dance Revolution (DDR for those in the know). The other 40% is people filming the most inane shit you can think of like "Here's my new broom, it sure is good for sweeping this sidewalk" or "Look at this cat chase this laser pointer" So, basically I have to spend most of my time sifting through crap that makes me extremely angry in order to find the remaining 5% gems that I post on here. This video did not take me long to find, but I decided to watch a bunch of DDR videos anyways to get the full experience.

When I was watching this video for the first time I was sure that Nate and Brandon would be in it. But who would round out the Top 3 Huskies? Would it be Will Conroy? Bobby Jones? Jamaal Williams perhaps? Maybe this filmmaker was fond of one Chester Buckets Simmons? Watch and see.



MIKE FUCKING JENSEN!!!???!! I understand Mike being put in a Husky highlight reel every now and then, but naming him one of the Top 3 Washington Huskies? I would put him on my Top 3 list of Huskies who are distracted by shiny things. The guy did a good job covering Jensen's career though - 2 alley oops. Also, one of the Brandon Roy highlights versus Oregon is really Will Conroy. Though I criticize I still thought the video was pretty cool and it got me pumped up for next season. I also like when Jay-Z says "it's hard to yell when the barrels in your mouth" because he says it "bare rells."


P.S. Here is Stephen Colbert being awesome at the White House Correspondents Dinner if you haven't seen it.